Gay marriage, kidneys and glitter

The Diva has four days left of first grade, and I must say she has learned a lot this year.
To begin, she knows every word to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl" (and I liked it) and can sing it without stage fright on almost any occasion. She also has learned what it means to be “Goth” (thank you, Adam Lambert), that leprechauns aren’t real, and that you should never wear a skirt on days when you have gym class.
Let’s face it: those are some of the most important things she’ll ever learn.
Oh, she has progressed in the usual subjects. Her reading has advanced enough that I have to block the pornographic emails from my friend, Joey, and her math is acceptable, though let’s just say she should feel grateful she has all 10 fingers to help her.
It’s been a steep learning curve for me, however. First, I never understood how involved I was supposed to be in my child’s education. I just assumed I’d send her off to school and the teachers would take care of everything, from teaching her how to tie her shoes to helping her fill out applications for college financial aid. I mean, I understood I might need to help her with homework now and again, but the first time she came home with an assignment involving pipe cleaners, I was shocked. I’m supposed to keep things like pipe cleaners hanging around the house? And glitter! Let me tell you -- if I kept glitter on hand, this house would look like a fairy princess house of horrors. Every surface would sparkle so brightly we’d all need sunglasses inside. Even the dog poop would be twinkly.
In honor of my darling daughter’s successful promotion to second grade, I’d like to highlight the key lessons we’ve managed to absorb this year.
1. When your teacher is throwing up in the classroom sink, it’s polite to hand her a paper towel.
2. Oreo cookies are not considered a healthy snack, despite the fact that a single serving contains 4 percent of the recommended daily allowance of fiber.
3. The meanest girls have blonde hair and are unbearably cute. Key word: unbearably.
4. Enlightening your first grade class about same sex marriage can be awkward for the teacher.
5. School officials think a tiny little case of conjunctivitis is grounds for a quarantine.
6. If you wear a Jonas Brothers t-shirt, boys will (accurately) accuse you of being in love with the Jonas Brothers.
7. Mrs. D had to go the hospital because she has a kidney!
8. Having a playdate with a friend who talks about kissing boys on the lips can send your mother spiraling into apoplexy.
9. It’s good to know how to walk home from the bus stop by yourself in case your parents can’t read the bus schedule and wait at the wrong place at the wrong time on the stormiest, coldest day of the year.
10. A Starburst left at the the bottom of your backpack for months on end can still pack the same flavor, but with a little extra fuzz.

We just hope that, despite all the cuts in public education, the next dozen years prove to be equally as productive.