Vacation Odyssey, Volume I

I have great news. Today is the start of our two-week cross-country odyssey, which includes back-to-back extended family vacations and driving to Cape Cod in our motorized landfill which has 94,000 miles on it.
It is possibly the most fun you can have in a minivan with one overly-optimistic adult, one adult of questionable mental stability, two young children, one barely potty-trained toddler and no liquor.
Obviously this is not great news for me. But it is exciting news for those of you who like my blog, and even better news for those of you who, for whatever reason, have wished misery upon me. Your dreams are coming true as we speak.
We are currently driving to Destin, Fla., for a visit with my side of the family. It’s a 6-hour drive. We left our home at 10 a.m., and right now, it is 2 p.m., and we have traveled about 100 miles. There have been six stops so far - one to drop the dog off and go to the bathroom, one to buy a toy and go to the bathroom, one to buy food, one to just go to the bathroom, and two stops to buy food and go to the bathroom.
The morning began ominously. Upon waking, the Pterodactyl made the horrifying discovery that he had left his Leapster at the restaurant where we ate dinner last night. The Leapster was to be his sole entertainment for the road trip, other than eating sugar. But Hot Firefighter Husband jumped in the car and retrieved the Leapster, saving (a small part of) the day. When he returned, he left the Tyrant unsupervised near the luggage and she dug out the Diva’s Nintendo DS and broke it in half. First destination: to buy a new Nintendo.
After all the stops, we’re now cruising along with two of the three children asleep. The Tyrant threw two lollipops at my head so my hair is sticky, and there’s a strange flapping noise coming from outside the car that apparently wasn’t covered under last week’s $2,200 check-up. Husband is on steroids for burgeoning sinus infection and is already sick of me. He’s driving right now listening to his iPod with earphones.
But we’ll reach Destin before dinner and have a very nice time. Our condo is right on the beach and the kids will play with their cousins and we’ll have frozen fruity drinks every afternoon. The only wild card is my dad, who quit smoking for the 800th time a week ago and informed me yesterday that he still hates everybody, which is unfortunate, unless I can convince somebody to give up a little Ativan to slip into his coffee. Or beer.
No, the real fun will begin in a week, with our 1,519 mile trip to Cape Cod to congregate with Husband's side of the family. The AAA Trip Estimator puts our travel time at 24 hours and 32 minutes.
Visiting Cape Cod in the summer is an annual vacation, but we usually fly. This year, we (Husband) waited to long to buy airline tickets, and we (Husband) decided against selling a kidney to pay the last minute fares.
Husband has a nostalgic vision of car trips from his childhood, the longest of which was nine hours. “I’m having a great time!” he said to me at the last rest stop. “What could be better than being together as a family?” Then he bought me some coffee from a vending a machine.
Of course, he’s driving, listening to music with earphones, and I’m getting wet sticky candy beaned at my head and wrenching my back every 10 minutes trying to retrieve dropped items and address the Diva’s running list of questions and commentary: What’s a shoplifter? When are we gonna be there? My stomach hurts. Can you buy me the game Clue? I wanna be Miss Scarlet. Can I play a computer game? I’m ready to get out of here. I’m tired. What can I do?
Well, we’ve finally reached Tallahassee, averaging about 45 mph on the highway when you include all the stops. All children are asleep. The strange flapping noise has disappeared. I’ll sign off now. I must concentrate on convincing myself that I don’t have to pee.